Dear Sibyl,
I'm in my late thirties and my parents have been divorced since I was 5 years old. Growing up I never wanted my parents to get back together because I knew they didn't get along well. They did a great job of never trash talking each other to us kids, but the awkwardness and unlove was palpable between them.
My problem is, the older I've gotten, the more I wish we were one, maybe crazy, but unified family. I split the holidays, getting some time with each parent, but if I want to have a spontaneous BBQ, I have to choose between my parents because its just too uncomfortable for everyone to be together. Then, I feel guilt on top of this because I prefer my father's company over my mom's. We just relate better to each other.
I guess my question is, are there other grown ups yearning for an un-divorced family, and what is your advice on handling choosing sides?
Help!
Torn In Two
Dear Torn In Two,
We're all grieving the family we don't have.
I have a picture of my parents in my living room, which was taken before I was born, in which they look so happy that I've considered they might be high. Their faces squished together, both grinning, beautiful, and shining with love. The pictures I have of them in later years are stilted, posed, in which they look like strangers to one another.
Growing up, I always wished my parents would get a divorce, because their unhappiness together fell over our house like a pallor, making everything muted, even celebratory times. But they stuck it out, for one reason or another, and as an adult I realized that you never really know what happens between two people, even if you are living in the same house with them.
My father died when I was in college, so I never got to see what it would be like to get together with them as adults. I find myself jealous of the parents who have grandparents around all the time, and seeing the way that my child responds to older adults, I wish I could give that to her.
But there are trade-offs to everything. I hear from my friends who have active grandparents that they are often quite stressful to have around. Also, I think everyone has to navigate their parents' relationship, whether they stayed together, or not.
So, Torn In Two, I don't think you are alone on this. I think we could all use some time to grieve the happy families we wish we could have, and find acceptance for the one we’ve got.
What I suggest for your dilemma of choosing which parent to spend time with is this: make a monthly date with your mom, and stick to it, no matter what, on your end. If she's the one to drop the ball, just wait until the following month to see her. Then, you can let your get-togethers with your dad be more spontaneous, and you won't feel bad, because you have your standing date with your mom.
As for the guilt you feel for preferring his company, you need to let that go, as I'm sure you can find real reasons your dad and you are closer. Guilt is spiritual cancer. Radiate that shit with love.
Love,
Sibyl
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