I am young and employed at the exact place that I said I would love to have a job at when I graduated with my undergraduate degree just over a year ago. I have a benefits package and vacation days. I rent a small home with a fenced-in yard and a small vegetable garden in the back. Every morning, when my alarm goes off, I seriously consider calling in sick to work. Some mornings I cry.
I have struggled, over the years, with chronic "mild" depression and anxiety issues. I have gone to therapy, tried medication, and have no issues with either of these things. They helped! It was great! I have been off of both for five years to no ill effects. But I have always been "moody" and "high strung," even when it wasn't bad enough to require medicine or therapy. Coping is not my biggest strength. But I'm trying to find a therapist in the area and maybe that will alleviate some of what is happening. I'm just not sure that is the entire problem here.
I loved my job at first. But staff has changed, and now the situation feels toxic. A new coworker is saying negative things to my boss about me. My boss is increasingly taking anger about mistakes made prior to my hiring out on me. I've become paralyzingly afraid of making even a single mistake. My boss gets annoyed if I don't respond to emails they send after hours or if I leave before they do. I miss interacting with (and helping, even in small ways) customers, as the nature of my tasks is devolving rapidly into standard unpaid intern-type tasks (and that's about the level of credit I get). Twice last week I came very, very close to having anxiety attacks while I sat at my desk. I've only been at this job for 6 months, although I've been with the organization for 3 years.
Sibyl, do I just need to get over myself? Is this job really not for me? Should I consider jumping back into the job search, even if it means leaving my current position after just a year (assuming I am able to find an alternative after a brief job search [I probably wouldn't be so lucky])? Are the issues with my job just a figment of my currently depressed and very stressed imagination? I should be happy right now---so why aren't I? And how do I get there?
Sick Of It All
Dear Sick of it All,
Perhaps you are familiar with this quote, attributed to Steven Winterburn: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
I think you may be finding yourself in the latter category, my dear. You absolutely need to get out of that job.
I can understand your confusion. It is noble to ask yourself first, "Is it me? Am I the author of my own unhappiness?" But I think that before you come to that conclusion, you've got to say, “Well, maybe it’s a little of both. Let me rule out some external suckiness and see how I feel.” If you want to find out whether depression is plaguing you once again, you need to get to a baseline of peace to see what your natural state is.
It's possible that you are getting hit with the solemn reality that, for most of the world, work really, really sucks. It's dehumanizing and disempowering, and all the infographics about "doing what you really love" don't help when you're punching a clock to make payments on student loans that you'll never actually pay off in your lifetime.
However, it does not seem like your issues are normal work drama stuff. Something in you is reacting strongly to this current environment, and I'm here to tell you, you can make those changes you want to make. You must be willing for your life to look really different, but it is possible.
Having spent way too long in a job that went sour, I asked myself, once it had all blown up in my face, "Why didn't I get out sooner? I saw the writing on the wall months ago - what kept me there?" Everything I could think of: loyalty, security, false hope, all could be summarized by one thing: FEAR.
I feared I wouldn't find anything better, I was afraid of having less money, and I feared what people would think of me if I left. So, eventually, I was forced out, and once the dust cleared I saw that not working there anymore, even though it meant I was out of the full-time workforce for a considerable amount of time, was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I came to the realization that no job, if you are miserable every time you’re there, is worth the paycheck, if you are paying in mind-body-spirit health. We spend more time at our jobs than anything else we do. I’m not saying we need to love every second - all jobs have their equivalent of “taking out the stinky garbage” - but yes, I think you should look for a different one. And if the garbage still smells so bad that you are hyperventilating at your desk, follow up on those therapy referrals.
Be smart about it---don’t do your job searches while you’re on the clock, don’t burn your bridges (you never know when connections you made at a miserable job will pay off in the future---someone is watching your hard work, believe it!), and save as much money as you can, so you’ll be in the position to take a less-paying but more fulfilling job next, if that’s what happens.
The first step is opening your mind to the possibilities that await, and deciding that being so upset at your job that you are questioning your own sanity is not okay. You need to break up with this bad job like it’s a really terrible partner that steals your money and crashes your car. No looking back.