We're talking...mmm...maybe I'll cut out of this party early because I can't hide these tears any longer. No thank you, I'll just sit this 35th baby shower out. Don't you dare hand me a flower at church to carry around on Mother's Day cause I am already seconds away from busting out of this building early.
For a solid year, I was just seconds away from the deepest feelings of desperate/teary sadness, anger at the cruelty of this unfairness, inadequacy as a woman, shame that apparently something was wrong with my body, fear that I never would get pregnant, resentment that I was being left behind outside of the circle of mothers, and worry that somehow my life was not going to be worth anything if I couldn't get pregnant & have a family. WHAT A SAD WAY TO LIVE!! It was sad. Very.
Luckily, years two, three, four, five, six, seven, & eight of infertility have been a completely different experience. It has been a miracle.
I started learning that if I didn't change my overall perspective on trials, even if I DID get pregnant, I would still be pretty jacked up!! Because even with a baby in tow, inevitably there would be many other things that wouldn't go my way. It’s not like all of life’s problems would be solved by a baby (ha!) So I started to see the scary reality that if I chose to live this way, basing my happiness on perfect circumstances, that I could easily live & die and only have small glimpses of happiness, only when things happened to be lined up perfectly. I realized that was not the kind of life I wanted nor the kind of woman or mother that I wanted to be. And so, year two I became a changed woman. I changed the way I thought about my trials. And I haven’t looked back for a day since.
And one of the greatest side effects of choosing to be happy?
I don't feel the tendency to compare my life with others anymore. My life is what it is….and it is beautiful. I now get to enjoy being TRULY happy & overjoyed every time I see a little baby. And I am thrilled each & every time I hear of a friend or sister or cousin or neighbor who is pregnant. And I am amazed at the miracle of a birth every time I hear that a new little one has arrived to this beautiful life safe & sound. Babies are miracles. Getting pregnant is a miracle. Birth is a miracle. Creating a family is a miracle. What a shame that hearing of these things used to make me sad & cause me pain. They're the most beautiful things that ever happen in this life! What a privilege it is to see it unfold and to be a part of it in many ways, even if I am not yet a mother.